A Struggle of Being Married to Someone Who is VA Disabled-Part One
77Reno VA
Grande Mal Seizure
Dennis and I got married in February of 1986, in Reno, NV. I had been raised in Sparks, the town adjoining Reno. I was working in a 7-11 store and he did contract investigation work for the government. Eight days after we got married, we went to the grocery store. He wasn't feeling well, so he was going to sit up at the slot machines and play a little, while I did the shopping. I did the shopping, paid, and looked around for Dennis.
I noticed all these people running over to the slot machines and saw my new husband laying on the floor. They paged for medical personnel in the store to please come up there and called an ambulance. A Dr. from the VA was there and a nurse. The Dr. pegged it right off. Dennis was having a Grande Mal seizure. As far as I knew, he had never had one before. They rushed him to the hospital and I called my mom and dad. They lived just a couple miles down the road.
They came down and got me. I was in no shape to drive. My mom took the groceries to their house and put the cold things away while my dad drove me to the hospital. My mom then came up there. We waited and waited. They decided, regardless of what the VA Dr. who was there said, that Dennis was overweight, he had a heart attack. Then they transferred him to the VA. Contract work does not have insurance benefits. The VA did not change the diagnosis. They had him in Cardiac Intensive Care. They ran some tests and served dinner.
They ran out of turkey so they gave him extra mashed potatoes instead. One thing I knew about Dennis even then, he HATES mashed potatoes. When he was growing up, his mother had served mashed potatoes, in one form or another, at every single meal. He hated them. And that is what they gave my husband to eat. With a spoonful of corn. He ate the corn.
They found a heart mis-beat, it skipped every 12th beat. Otherwise, he was healthy. They didn't know why he had passed out in the store, even after the Dr. who had been there, came up and told them that she had seen it and it was a Grande Mal seizure. They did not change their minds. He had a heart attack. They told him that he could never work again.
He got fed up with being in there and knowing that they were mis-diagnosing him. He decided to leave. He did not tell them that he was leaving. He hooked the heart sensors to the TV and went out the fire escape. This continued the readings that they were getting at the nurse's station for about half an hour. IV's and all, he went to McDonalds, two blocks from the VA. He ran into a friend there and then went home on the bus.
I was at work and the friend came in and told me that he had seen Dennis. I assumed he meant at the VA and asked how he was handling the VA. He told me that he was at home. I thought they had discharged him and was told no, he had taken the bus home. We did not have a phone, so I called my dad. He was talking to Dennis on the CB.
The next morning, my husband called the VA, said he was his brother and asked how he was doing. He was told that he had died and they had mis-placed the body. He went down and showed the Head Administrator where the "body" was. They walked through there, with Dennis pointing out everyone who had been there the night before and watching while they were fired.
His Injuries and Welfare
He had had several head injuries while in service in the Army. Once, he had shrapnel hit him in the face, destroying his nose and leaving nothing but a flap of skin hanging. That day, he got three Purple Hearts. When they were evacuating him by helicopter, they had him in the stretcher basket, raising him up to the helicopter. He got shot in the buttocks. A Forrest Gump injury. He did not show it to the President though. Then, when they got him in the helicopter on the way out of there, the helicopter got shot down. It broke his ankle, giving him three injuries in three separate actions, in one day. As he has said, that was a very bad day.
Another time, when he was being flown someplace to parachute in, he stood up just as the plane hit a bump and banged his head on a bomb that was also being transported. It knocked him out. This would be a bad enough injury to cause seizures. The only injury that they have ever looked at was when he was a kid, he got hit by a car and had mild seizures for a few months. He will never get the seizures Service connected because of that.
Dennis went in and filed for disability from the VA and watched while the paperwork that he filled out was thrown away. He was told that he did not qualify. They are not supposed to do that. The paperwork has to go to a board, which reviews them and then makes a decision. Then, that decision can be appealed. If the decision is ever reversed, the payment goes retro-active to the first application. This effectively cut the payment that was finally made to us.
This started our 17 year struggle to get his disability for him. Can you imagine the payment which he would have gotten if it went back to the first application.
During that time, I supported us as well as I could but occasionally, I had to take time because I had a baby. Or I could not find a job. I did temp work in between jobs but those are never sure things. You can work for a place for one day, one week or even one year and go in the next day and the funding for your job is not approved. I did not have a degree, so that did not help.
We ended up on food stamps most of the time and sometimes we ended up on welfare. We got told once that if we got divorced, we could get welfare, but if we were married, we could not. Talk about undermining the sanctity of marriage and encouraging people to just live together.
We applied for Social Security disability, but he was told that he had not been out of work long enough. With his PTSD, that ticked him off and it took me a long time to get him to re-apply. We had been married for eleven years when we moved back to AZ and they made him re-apply. It took only seven months to get it. We are told, that is a record.
Arizona Helped Us Get Money
When we moved back to Arizona, we lived in a campground in a little camp trailer with a tent for the boys. The first campground was just outside Needles, California. We stayed there until their time limit was up. I believe it was 5 months. Then we moved to one over by Parker, Arizona. When we moved there, I was very sick. We got signed up for welfare as well as the food stamps we had been getting. We also got health insurance through them. We all went to the Doctor for various things.
They required that Dennis re-apply for Social Security disability and VA benefits. They put us in contact with a lady who was paid by the State to help Veterans get their benefits. She filled out all of the paperwork for both and we waited. Then she filled out more and we waited. Finally, Social Security sent him to all these specialists. This was the rating part. Within seven months, Dennis was approved for disability. Good, but still not enough money.
Then, the VA sent him a letter stating that to help the Veterans who had non-service connected disabilities, they had a program. It paid $300 more a month than Social Security did, but we could not have both. We took the VA program. We finally had enough to live on. I still needed to work but we could get by. The food stamps continued and we got to keep the health care. Thankfully, because I was sick now.
I kept going back to the Dr., saying that there was something wrong and the Dr would check me and say I had a sinus infection or an upper respiratory infection. The antibiotics that he gave me didn't really help. I still felt like I had no energy and was so nervous that I couldn't sit still. I was dropping weight to a scary point, 40 lbs. in just six weeks. My eyes were starting to look like bug eyes and my husband and kids kept teasing me about this. I would also start crying at the drop of a hat or totally lose my temper for no reason.
One night, while I was cooking dinner, 1 1/2 year old Katy reached up and grabbed the handle of the frying pan. She pulled it off the stove and splashed hamburger and grease all along her arm and got both hands. We called an ambulance because our van had quit running. They took her to the hospital and I went with her. They checked her and applied medication to cool the burn and were waiting for the medicine to work so they could start the next step. They were mostly second degree burns because I had immediately poured cool water over the grease and cooled it off. Thank God, they were not worse. I was sitting on the bed with Katy, cuddling without hurting. We were both very upset.
The Dr. and the nurse were sitting at a little table over against the wall. They were talking and working on charts. The nurse kept glancing over and looking at me, not Katy. Then she would ask him a question or make a comment. When the Dr. came back over, I asked him if there was a problem. He said that she was asking about my eyes. I asked him, what about my eyes. I said that I had been to the Dr. because I did not feel right but he never found anything. The Dr looked at me and told me to have the Dr. check my thyroid. Yeah, a clue. He couldn't say more because I was not his patient, but he gave me a clue to work on.
The following day, I called the Dr. to get Katy in to be checked, and made an appointment for me also. He probably thought, 'The hypochondriac again'. We went in and he checked Katy's burns. They were doing good, he wrote a prescription for more antibiotics for her and for some burn cream. He told me that as they healed, I would have to soak them and debride them. He also told me how to do this. Yech!!! I never had to do this, my husband already knew how and was much less squeamish than I am.
Then, he asked me what I was in for. I told him that the Dr. in the ER had told me I should get my thyroid checked. The Dr. looked at me and I could see it click. All the things that I had been telling him for months finally came together and made sense. He had just not bothered to think about them together and connected the dots.
They did the blood test right then and the results were that I had a hyper-active thyroid. My thyroid was producing way too much of the hormone and it was going to kill me if they did not get it under control in a hurry. My heart rate was way too fast also. That is one of the symptoms. It was causing fat cells to build up behind my eyes, which pushed the eyeball out and caused the bug-eyed look. This will eventually cause you to lose your vision. My worst terror. Too much hormone causes your emotions to be out of control and causes weight loss. It also sent me into peri-menopause about 10 years too early.
Will continue with Part Two...
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writer20, This is one of those things called therapeutic writing. It builds up and gets to the point where you either tell it all or go loony. I am at that point. It is still building. Got to get it out.
Wow! What a story!
Viewing this from the most positive angle I can find I say that it is a good thing that there are so many programs in place that has allowed you and your family to be treated, cared for and maintained even though you have had a tremendous struggle with those very systems.
Will, I thank you for coming by to read this. It is our story. We have had a terrible battle to get his disability from the VA. Every time the budget is not approved, he gets paranoid and drives us all nuts. It is not hard to see why. We sweated blood to get it. Thank you for your comment.
The systems are so careless sometimes Becky. I cannot believe someone would say that your hubby was dead and the body was lost. That is downright shocking.
Doctors have a lot to answer for, I had one tell me everything was fine when actually my baby had died inside me and was only discovered because I had to go my gynecologist for a check up weeks later.
You have certainly had some rough times and been given the ru-around. I am not surprised it is all building inside you.
Mike, I am glad that he is now in the system and thankful that there is a system. I am thankful every time the government approves the budget for another 3 months or year. I think it is shameful that it took this long to finally get him in the system. They have improved the system from when he first applied. I must say that. They had to, it was totally useless. Now it only takes two or three years.
This is why we want to move now. We are not up to a fight with the Police state her. We have used all the fight we have and there is no more down deep. We just want to live a nice, quiet, uneventful life without being bothered. It is not happening here.
Thank you for coming by to visit. And for letting me rant a little.
Rosemay, that one was not the system, it was someone who did not want to admit that they had allowed someone in the Cardiac Intensive Care go down the fire escape. He shouldn't have been able to if he even belonged there. He did not and they were just trying to cover their jobs.
Some of the Dr. are pretty careless at times. I was lucky that I learned what my problem was before it killed me. I did end up with a pretty terrific Dr. after that one. He was great and I will forever be grateful to him. I really appreciate you coming by to visit.
Becky,
Such difficult, heartfelt writing that makes me indeed cringe at the way some doctors and nurses treat those, who are anxious, sick and traumatized. I am glad you are deriving comfort from expressing these events and support from your readers who love you.
Voted UP & Awesome. Have a peaceful night, mar.
mar, I appreciate your comments. They are always so caring. I am hoping that I can drop the bitterness I feel for this leaving me free and able to continue on to the next fight. I do not feel like I have any fight left.
I have had no problems getting this out, it just seems to flow out and I have left so much of our fight out but it does not seem necessary to detail every bit of it. I really appreciate you coming by to visit.
Becky, you have certainly had more than your share. I really feel for you. You tell it so well, too. I'll look forward to hearing the next hub about it. I do pray that things will start to look up for you. Voted up and awesome.
BlossomSB, I have had a lot to take but there are others out there that took longer to get their disability. I know of one man that finally got his disability when he got fed up and climbed onto the Dr. desk, who kept telling him that he did not have PTSD and peed all over it. He went to jail for a week. When he got out, he had his disability. Just had to prove he was nuts. I am working on the next part. Hopefully, it will be the last part. Hard to stay there.
I feel exhausted just reading this. I cannot imagine living it! You all have been through so much. So many service man and women never receive the help they need. You are doing the right thing to stand by your husband and your marriage vows.Many women would have walked away. I pray all works out for your family. Go find acres and acres in a quiet peaceful country environment where Dennis can relax. Nature is very therapeutic.
What a story this is... You are one brave lady! Waiting to read the next part. Honestly after reading the fun parts of your life.. this comes like a harsh blow.
Thanks for sharing. Have a lovely day!
Watchamean, Part 2? That's enough for more people than I know.
You poor thing... you poor things. Oh Becky, how comes you are such a normal, happy individual. You seem to be so calm and loving, and you have had so much to bear.
Lots of love,
Ian
Hyphenbird, I could not leave my soul mate, that is not my way. I married 'til death do us part. He tried to get me to leave him when he found that he was not going to be able to take care of me. We are still drawing troubles. They are building up here. We always seem to be under attack and it does get to you. We are being attacked here now and just want out of here so bad. I don't see how we are going to leave though.
Guess what just happened? My second cousins granddaughter emailed me. She found me on here from reading my Family Pictures hub. I haven't heard from any of them in so long. I am so glad you came by to visit.
sofs, Bravery has nothing to do with it. You deal with things because they have to be dealt with. You can't just leave and go hide. The problems are still there, you deal with them. I so appreciate you coming by to visit.
Dearest old coot, I am so glad to see you here. You are going to make me cry. Make me feel sorry for myself. I cannot say this has been a bad life. The humor and love in it has made it good. I am hoping, I guess, that all of this will help someone else deal with things that just seem overwhelming at times. There are people who have had life harder. I am so lucky to have all of my friends here to help me deal with this portion of life. Friends really do help. Thank you for coming by to visit and I will put Part 2 up late to day or tomorrow. My first two parter.
Becky that is so cool. I know it means a lot to you. Family is so important especially when times are hard.
Many people would have left and many do not stay and deal with it. You show your character and integrity with your choices!
She and I both are emailing like crazy. She sent her phone number and I tried to call but there was no answer.
Things generally do not improve by running away from them. We would like to get out of here though. The law enforcement here is so crooked. They are involved in so much of the drug traffic around here. I have seen proof of it. I have seen cops buying drugs at the corner convenience store. I have seen them watching from their cars while drug buys are going on right in plain sight. I have reported this to the State police but nothing has been done and I have been reporting for 2 years at least. I have even sent pictures and they do nothing. It is so discouraging.
Becky,
You are such a suvivor in life..You are my hero..I think that is why you are the person you are today. Humor and love cover your life like a soft blanket, keeping you warm and safe even though life has been hard at times..I admire your steadfastness and love towards your husband and children..I love you Becky!
Sunnie
OH YES! I am doing the 100 dance..GO BECKY GO BECKY ITS YOUR HUB DAY!
Sunnie, love and humor ooze out of you and you talk about me. Those are the only things that keep people going when life gets hard. I guess that is why we are survivors. We have both.
Yes, I noticed that too and am totally amazed. I have been answering questions again. They just draw me like a fly to syrup. It pops up there every time I start answering questions. I think that is the key.
Ahhh haaa...well shoot...I dont know much so there goes my hundred score..you are the smart one...lolololol
But not all questons...we love your wonderful hubs too
I am so glad you think my hubs are wonderful. I never think of them as such. I am just writing about my life. It is all I know. I would like to write about all these wonderful things and wonderful stories but I don't seem to be able to.
The questions work for me and they are not difficult. I just answer the ones that I know something about. Since I read everything, I know about quite a bit.
You and your family have been through a lot. You managed, despite all the trials and health issues of you and your husband, to stay strong through it all. I admire your courage in handling it. I knew when you said your eyes were bulging, it had something to do with the thyroid. I am so glad you found out in time so you were able to share it with us now. : ) Voted up and useful!
girltalksshop, Yes, we have been through a lot. We managed because we have a strong faith in God and we had the help of our church. Courage isn't in it. Some times you have no choice, you just do your best. It is more refusal to quit and as long as we had our family and God, we just kept trying.
My church family helped me through the thyroid problem also. Several times they took me to appointments when I could not find a way to get there.
Told him he had died and couldn't find the body, what lying incompetents. They deserved to be fired. Becky this made me mad the way your husband was treated. It hasn't been an easy life for you either. Much admiration for you both after all you've been through; a bit worried about part two which I'll read soon.:)
Relax Alastar, we made it. They just didn't have a reason to care. They will never do that one again. We gave them a reason. It has not been easy, but if life was easy, we would not appreciate the good times as much. I am happy with the way things have gone. I really appreciate you coming by to visit and for your caring comment. I hope you enjoy part two and I am working on part three. I hope that will be it. Depends on how many words it takes to tell the story.
Becky, I suppose I really should be "bothered" by your story--but since Pam's "journey" through the Wonderful, Wacky World of Medicine has so many points in common with your family's, all I could do was laugh while the idjits were getting fired. Give Dennis a high-five for me if you would.
Pam and I have had the same "marriage penalty" situation in that she had to give up her SSI (disability) and govt.-paid medical care when whe married me in 2006. And yes, people have been fired in her wake, though never so many at once as "dead" Dennis helped debark.
It's my considered opinion that perhaps 2% of the doctors out there are truly excellent...but the other 98% give us all plenty of material for stories like this one.
Voted Up and Across.
Fred. O am so glad that you came to read these. I figured you would get a laugh over that trip through the hospital. Probably wishing y'all could do one of those too. I have also seen many similarities in their stories. The main difference that I have seen was that you had a good paying job most of the time, and I couldn't seem to get a good paying job. Makes a big difference. Thanks for coming by to visit.
What a dramatic story, Becky. You've had such a hard time. I hope that life gets better for you and that you and your husband can relax.
We are looking for a nice quiet house in the middle of a LOT of acres. LOL!! It has been difficult at times. We are ready for a nice quiet retirement. We live in an apartment now and it is way too noisy. We are definitely wanting to move from here. I really appreciate you coming by to visit.
As a veteran myself, I salute Dennis for his sacrifice for our country, and I salute YOU for being the military wife you are/were. I am followed at the VA also, and there are times I'd like to knock someone out up there...Most don't seem to care, but I have had some great docs that got right to the point and figured out what was going on. Being a survivor of Hodgkin's and Thyroid cancer, I can say thanks to the Gov't for being there when I needed them. God Bless ya BK! And God Bless our troops, where ever they may be!! JVR
Hi Jrandolph, Thank you for your service. The VA has improved greatly since Dennis has been going there. At one point, we thought they were trying to kill him. We still have problems with a Dr. every once in a while. About two years ago, one decided that he was in it for the money. Going for the travel pay. At that time, they paid him $20 and it cost us $25 to get him there. He took Dennis off all of his heart and blood pressure medicine and Dennis had a heart attack. It has taken two years after we complained about that Dr. and got rid of him to get Dennis back on his medicine. Same medicine.
We have also had a couple of good ones. They seem to be fewer for some reason. Dennis has had a huge goiter on his throat for several years and every time we get one that is going to take it off, they switch his Dr. again and we have to start over on that. It makes it difficult to swallow sometimes.
He is seen at the Nashville VA now, which is connected to Vanderbilt teaching hospital and they have new student Dr. that they assign him to about every 6 months. Cost them less and gives the students someone to practice on but sometimes, it would be nice not to have them learning on him.
I really appreciate you coming by to visit and leaving your wonderful comment. Blessings to you also and good luck with the VA.
I was in same situation when I lived in Atlanta area....every 6 friggin months, they'd change docs on me. I'd have to get the new one up to speed everytime...got old REAL quick. Now going to WV VA...Good docs who really care. Life is good. God is always near! Bless you and yours friend, wish the best for you in 2012 and beyond!!
I would like to get him to one that didn't change his Dr. He has severe PTSD and in order for the therapy to do any good, you have to spend time building a rapport with your therapist. It takes years sometimes to build the rapport. Thank you for coming by.
What a heart rending story Becky. The courage and Bravery shown not only by your Dennis but also by you who have stood by him and supported the family as well as endured such experiences is all amazing. God bless you for your wonderful spirit and your ability to share this with all of us ( even though it is therapeutic writing- it must be hard reliving it all). Well done.
Docmo, This really was not that hard to write. It just flowed out. It was time to tell this story and get it out where it would blow away. I am so relieved that I do not have this hidden away any more.
I have noticed that while we are living something like this, it is hard but we just keep slogging along. Then when we look back, it seems amazing that you could handle it. I truly believe that while we have our faith in God, we can do anything. That is how we got through this. Our faith and our church families. They all helped. I really appreciate you coming by to visit and for your wonderful comment.
Hi Becky,
My heart goes out to you and your family for all of your struggles. My brother was a disabled vet...so I have that experience from which to draw...and I know it is not easy!!! God bless you and your entire family.
He is now certified disabled and we are getting paid for it. Things are much easier since they now pay him. It was really hard while we were only getting 1 persons paycheck all those years. I couldn't seem to make as much money to support us as he could have and it is a two income economy. I really appreciate you coming by.
Hello Becky, I feel like I already have some background from our visits at the cafe. But this is really an eye opener on the many hardships you and your family have experienced. (Especially your life threatening undiagnosed thyroid illness.) I admire your story telling style, so honest and open, the unadorned truth with absolutely no pretentions. I also enjoy your mischievous sense of humor. Your recall of details and events from so far in the past is amazing. What struck me is the absolute commitment you have to Dennis and your family, a love that has endured. That is something to be proud of Becky. Thank you for sharing your story, will look forward to next instalments, Regards, snakeslane
snakeslane, I appreciate your diagnosis of my writing style. Things which affect us deeply tend to stick in our heads. It makes it easier to remember them. I couldn't NOT remember them. I am glad that you enjoy my sense of humor, it has caused my husband and children many moments of discomfort. Sometimes, they do not know what to make of it. Dennis and my children are my life and the love that we share just seems to keep growing. I learned how to love from my parents, they had this kind of love and I wish all could find the one that they are meant to be with. The rest of it is already out there and I hope you read them too. I really appreciate you coming by to visit.
Hey Ms Becky, not a diagnosis, just an observation (I'm not a writing doctor :). I think you have what it takes to be a good writer, a natural gift for story telling. You have many colorful and heart rending experiences to draw from. Keep writing!
snakeslane, I really appreciate that. I never really had an urge to write until I got on here. Suddenly, I like writing. I just seem to have a problem figuring out what to write about. I need a book of story lines and I would be set.
Hi Becky, funny that you should mention that, I was just reading in last weekend newspaper about such a book. It is called 'Plotto' The Master Book of all Plots by William Wallace Cook. It was first published in 1928 and has been published frequently ever since, was called a 'plot generator' by its creator. Published by Tin House 478 pages. Apparantly Alfred Hitchcock used it for his stories.
I guess I need to find it and make use of it. I am definitely not inspired. lol! Thank for letting me know.
I just looked for it on Amazon. The preview (look inside the book) is 60 pages, so gives a good idea without actually buying the book.
I will check it out. Maybe mck has it in a used edition. That would definitely put it more in my price range. I have been thinking about writing some of my husbands escapades. He was a bit wild and with his military experiences, he had more ideas which were wilder than the normal.
This was great read. I now know how my wife must feel on a day to day basis. I have so far avoided filing for benefits as I'm determined to beat what I have. Sometimes I win, sometimes it dos. It's a daily struggle. Thanks for sharing.
DrJez, do yourself a favor and file. Y'all are tough but not that tough. He didn't want to file either and I had a hard time supporting us until he finally did. I am so glad that he finally filed.
I thought health care systems everywhere outside India is better.
It is unbelievable that a hospital would respond in such a way.
Thanks for sharing
thumbi7, Health care systems are better now. The VA is for Veterans and the system was very bad for awhile. The veterans served in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. The government was responsible for taking care of the Veterans but they did not make sure that their representatives in the hospitals for the Veterans were doing their jobs. They got pretty bad before they started getting better. They are now pretty good but still not quite up to the other hospitals. We are still getting them straightened out. The people who work in them are government employees and they are hard to fire for not doing their jobs. They are making it a little easier to get rid of the ones who do not do their jobs properly.
I understand your dilemna. Although it took me thirty two years to get my service connection, it only took me 90 days to get my SSD. Finally I recieved 90% service connected disability with TDIU payment as 100%. By the way the VA told me initially that I did not qualify and would not help me. I did the work myself and with all credible medical evidence, including a nexxus letter from my personal doctor, and factual evidence of my injury I finally received the SC.
I was hard for many years. I explain in part 2 that we finally got it after 17 years and multiple applications. We also had help from someone with the Arizona Welfare dept. They keep her on to help people get their disability of some kind. She got him on SSDI first and then on full Service Connected. She was a great help. I think most of it was knowing how to fill out the paperwork. I am glad that you got yours finally. It is shameful the way that our Veterans have been treated for so many years and I am so glad it is getting better. Thank you for coming by to visit.
writer20 Level 8 Commenter 3 months ago
Jeeper's, what a life you've had. Ii must have made good and strong to handle everything. Voted up and useful.